I’ve been open about my distaste for British food and the way British “people” interact with it. It seems these people’s proudest achievement in the culinary sphere is something called the “Tesco Meal Deal”, where you pay £5 and can pick out a main, side, and drink. A “main” is a palm sized sandwich without crusts, similar to what a child would pack for lunch in the first grade. A “side” is a bag of chips – sorry, “crisps” – that is so small and full of air that a light breeze would send it flying. And a drink is some type of bottled tea or juice because they don’t drink water in this backwards country.

What is wrong with brits?? £5 is like $6.25. The amount of options in America for that price, that are not only more filling but also hot, is astounding. And this is something they’re proud of! They think this is the ultimate in luxury and price! I can get a rotisserie chicken for that price. And that’s just if I, like the british, were demented enough to buy my lunch from a grocery store every day. I could hit up a grocery store salad bar for that price and get a huge box of greens and stuff!

So, they have bad food opinions here. Maybe that’s why they characterize us as fat – we just have better food and so an incentive to actually eat.

Speaking of actually eating: What is with this country and eating times? If you don’t stick rigidly to breakfast at breakfast time -> lunch at noonish -> dinner at 5/6 then you are out of luck in the U.K. Places just close! As someone who takes meds that supress my appetite until ~7pm at the earliest, I am one of the unlucky few (That’s right, it’s actually ablest to close early, checkmate Britain).

“But Annie”, you say, “I see people in Pubs all night! And you can get great food at pubs!” “What an excellent idea”, I say! Let’s go to a Pub at 8:01 and get some food!

What’s that? Their kitchen is closed? So even if you wanted beans on toast or bangers and mash or some other tan and brown slop, you can’t get any? I was excited about being able to drink in London, I didn’t realize I would only be allowed to drink in London.

People say the best food in London is its Indian food, and I’m also partial to her Italian and French cuisine, since it’s made by real italians and frenchmen and tastes all the better for it. You know what all of those cuisines have in common? They’re served in like 4 courses eaten over 3 hours. Who has the time???? If you’re seeing a 7:30 show, you need to be thinking about dinner at like. 2 pm. (14:00 for the brits) Because if you want something good to eat you’ve got to have picked and vetted a place by 4:00, traveled and been seated by 5:00, and then get out of there in time to travel to your 7:30 show. You want something faster and more casual? No problem! You should check out their huge chain of lil red Pret a Manges, there’s one on everyyy block, oh wait it’s ALL CRUSTLESS SANDWHICHES AGAIN. They are CHILDREN here they can’t eat the CRUST off a SANDWHICH nooo they need their MOMMY (the Queen) to CUT IT OFF.